I was doing so well at keeping up with the blogging - and then it just died. I'm sorry. I think of all these things I'm "going to blog about" and it never comes to fruition. There's just so many things that come up, and of course I can't just post something until it's just right. I've been spending the last 4 days cleaning up, picking, organizing my photos from Taiwan/HK/Shanghai and after, and it's kind of taking forever. But I think I'll feel good when it's all done.

I couldn't sleep tonight, a combination of me waking up very late, and just restlessness in general. I did a little work (which is good!) and then my mind started to wander.

I found out today that a boy I used to have a crush on has gotten engaged. (in a super nice beautiful probably dream worthy romantic place too by the way! dagger. heart.) Not that I don't wish them well, and I know that it makes sense, I think it makes me feel a little bit like I'm failing at something. It's weird because I can't even fathom getting or being married right now, so where do these feelings come from? I guess a sense of general lacking in the life accomplishment area? Does that even make sense? Is it silly? Probably. The girl he's gotten engaged to is 2 years younger than me and seemingly has a really good job that she enjoys. Albeit it's a lot different than what she originally said she always wanted to do, she loves it now. She landed the job by a random chance occurrence and rose quickly through the ranks and is at a really good level. The guy: he's older, which probably attributes to the settling down earlier rather than later, but at a good place in his life and kind of always knew what he wanted to do. She's kind of "where" I'd like to be, and he's kind of "who" I'd like to be with. I feel like I'm so far away from all of that, but I want it.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey dreams of Monica being his girlfriend and sitting close on the couch and them doing crossword puzzles together after he sees Monica & Chandler doing it? That's kind of me, but without the dream part. Just a constant wonder and want. I want to be kind of settled in that comfortable I know what's going on sort of way. I want to know what I want to do and enjoy doing it, or at least working towards a goal. I'm in this weird pool where I have NO CLUE what exactly I want to do, and I'm willing to try out different things, but there's going to be a little bit of time before the trial and error process will be complete. Add on the fact that I don't know when it'd start. I know I have the rest of my life to work, but I feel like I'm getting too old to still be so clueless. I KNOW that everyone goes through it, even super successful people who had great careers and accomplishments wonder at some point what they're doing and make changes. But I need to have that one. The over achiever OCD person in me feels like I'm way behind.

I went through all the silly little crush options that are currently floating around with a friend, and we determined that basically, I have no options. None of them will materialize in any sort of relationship. At least for now, possibly ever. And there's nothing I can do about it. Well, that sucks. I realize that you don't really know until it comes. And it's probably kind of like apartment hunting, it's always the last one you look at, because once you find it, you stop looking. But really, I don't even feel like there are contenders. And much like the feeling that I won't be working until December, this scares me. A lot. In a I'm flailing kind of quickly and there's nothing to grab on to sort of way. A boy that I used to hang out with a lot has recently been talking to me again. This should make me feel better right? Maybe, but not really. Because I know it doesn't mean anything. And it's not "real" and while I might get a little flustered at certain times because he may still manage to make me feel a certain way, when I honestly think about it, it's not what I really want or the way I want it to be. I may have grown out of it a little. That part makes me feel kind of good.

I feel like sometimes I know what I want, or least want to try, but I still can't obtain it. So I'm not really sure how I'm gonna get anywhere. I guess I have to just be diligent and patient, and work on things that I enjoy, things that will help me get places, and also, work on me. I see a lot of what I don't want, and I'm thankful that in those shoes. But I see examples of things that actually work, and I see that it exists and that it's out there, so why can't I have it too? Cheesy as it may be, I'm kind of a believer that things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be it will be. But I need the pieces to start falling into place soon... even if's its just the corner ones, or the ones that are all the same color.

(sorry if this is incoherent.. i tried to go back and edit, but not sleeping all night has taken it's toll.)

ps. i also stayed up late/woke up early to try and win entrance to the private coldplay show. i REALLY want that. give it to me now.

Okay.. so apparently everyone "knew" I was staying. I don't know how they all knew when I didn't and literally made a clutch decision and spent 2 hours beforehand agonizing over it before I kind of just ended up with this decision...

I spent all day packing and organizing my stuff. And in the past few days I've been stuffing my face, and running around town on the "what does Jean want to do in Taiwan" tour. (I'm really fortunate to have such great relatives btw.) Any weight I may have sweated off is back, and then some. So it seems kind of anticlimactic that I stay... but supposedly no one here sees it that way, or they're just being polite. There have been moments where I've been really bored or thought "if I was at home (insert friend's name here) would do this with me", and was really ready to come home. And then got to talking about trips my cousin was planning on taking in the next week or two and I was a little amiss, but still okay. My aunt was taking me to the airport, but had to stop by her work to grab a few things. In the elevator I see this poster about the Dragon Boat Festival and holidays and suddenly realize it's a bigger deal than I think. I make a few phone calls, agonize over this decision, drive to go get my already packed bags, call some more, mull over it some more, call the airline company to see what would happen if I didn't get on the plan/cancel my online check in, thought about it some more, made some more phone calls, googled for some insight, thought about it, and then 10pm rolled around and it was "about" time that if I didn't leave 5 seconds ago, then it'd be too late for my flight. Plus I figured if I really started to get homesick, I could just come home at any time really. But it was more like my reason for not staying was feeling bad about not leaving. Is that reason?

So.. I'm hoping I have fun at the Dragon Boat Festival (which.. I really think Festival is misleading in the "American" sense because I think it's mostly the races, and not like a bunch of booths or anything.. but we'll see!) and my cousin is planning a trip to Sun Moon Lake. If that doesn't happen I'll be pretty not so pleased, but I think it's pretty set, especially since I stayed. I'll have to look up other things that I want to do that don't involve stuffing my face or draining my bank account, and hopefully just have a merry time even though I'm supposed to be on a plane right now. I think this is the first time I've missed a plane in my life. What if my future husband was on that plane? Well.. I guess it's too late now. Mom, Dad - no grandkids cuz I decided to stay longer in Taiwan.

Here's an update to my list:

1. Mister Donut
2. More KFC Egg Tarts
3. Mos Burger
4. Little Shanghai Dumplings
5. Visit Grandma
6. Night of debaucheressness @ Room 18?
7. Taroko National Park (yay!)
8. Pack
9. Clean up Apt.
10. Find yellow umbrella
11. Yong Kang Jie?
12. mmm.. anything else? cut hair again? trim bangs? buy more purses?! (am I too good for fake Marc Jacobs?)
13. Sun Moon Lake
14. Dragon Boat Festival
15. Unpack

So.. a quick blog. I haven't been very good at updating while I've been gone - but that just means I've been busy out doing stuff!! Plus and then there's the whole I'd like to make it exciting add pictures and that take time, and I'm not always around the computer - so there ya go. Last week I went to Hong Kong and Shanghai and didn't bring my computer, plus didn't really have internet anyway, so there was that. And the day after tomorrow I'm leaving!! Yikes! How did a month pass by so quickly. I've been contemplating staying a little longer, row in a dragon boat race or something, but I think I should maybe get a life... figuratively, of course. Or at least stop being a drain on the people here as they have their lives to attend to. Although I've been pretty good about stimulating Taiwan's economy.

Leaving in a little over 48 hours definitely adds a slight sense of urgency to everything that I want to do, but hopefully I will cram it all in, and it won't be another 3 years before I return. But my sister keeps threatening me with that fact. (Is $100 worth it to stay longer? Plus all the money I'll spend here and then the excess baggage fees?!) haha. I like life here, mostly because it's simple be cause I have no responsiblities here. No parents to have to answer to, no real bills to pay, no daily drama, no job... haha. But it does get a tad bit lonesome when I pass by the wine bar or the whisky gallery and want to go in but have no one to go with, or no real income to support a drinking habit. It's been a good run, but the asian in me is thinking that I need some structure in my life (how sad am I?) But I am excited to hang out with Jaymie who's moving to London soon (*sniff), Angelee who's coming down for the 10 year HS Reunion (scary), eating with anyone who will meet me @ Open Sesame, catching up on the 307 hours of TV I've missed (any of you ruin it for me I WILL SHANK YOU), and seeing everyone back in the place that I call home. I don't feel like it's been that long, so I don't think that I've really been "missed" because it's like any other long period of time where you just don't have time to hang out, so you know.. you just go about your life. I feel like everyone has just done that. Dorina's probably the only person (oh.. and Brennan) who it's most noticeable for. But apparently they just went to Mexico, so I might have to stay away for 7 more days just to see if she develops a fever. She's got a bad immune system, that one.

I'm excited to have my iPhone back in full force, reunion with my car, possible (hopefully!) run-ins with neighbor guy, working on projects (MAKE ME DO IT) and maybe even finding some work that will be good for me. But enough on home.

Things to do before I go:

1. Mister Donut
2. More KFC Egg Tarts
3. Mos Burger
4. Little Shanghai Dumplings
5. Visit Grandma
6. Night of debaucheressness @ Room 18?
7. Taroko National Park (yay!)
8. Pack
9. Clean up Apt.
10. Find yellow umbrella
11. Yong Kang Jie?
12. mmm.. anything else? cut hair again? trim bangs? buy more purses?! (am I too good for fake Marc Jacobs?)

So it's coming towards the end of week 2 here and I started to get a little bored last night. A little stir-crazy if you will. I managed to fight it by calling up my cousin and whereas I suggested bowling, we went to the batting cages instead, but it was Ladies' night and I got to play for free, so I guess I can't complain too much. It was nice hanging out with the cousin, and while he's kind of quiet, he'll answer pretty much any question I ask, and then we trade questions about how to say certain words in Chinese/English.

I finally got a chance to check out the Whisky Gallery by the place that I'm staying at. It'd pretty be Jaymie and Angelee's dream. It's not too shabby I will have to say and I had two drinks, both from Scotland, and wasn't going to complain. Although a little pricey - but I guess that's just what good drinking costs. It was around $12-$15 per glass, so not terrible. Kind of on par with a place like 7 Grand or something. But definitely a lot less fuss.

It's possible that I may be heading to Hong Kong and China next week, partially out of boredom, partially out of things working out just right timing wise, partially out of wanting to go exploring and thinking "when else am I going to get the chance?" I will really be draining my bank accounts (sort of) - but it might be well worth it. Especially if I end up at Hong Kong Disneyland - and although it's less fun to hang out there by my onesome, it's still Hong Kong Disneyland right?!

Random note: I was looking at some pictures and I'm reaaaally craving some good Mac n Cheese right now. I'm going to put that on my list of things to do when I get back (or Dre.. put that on our list!) along with Father's Office. Two musts.

Not too much else is "going on" that doesn't seem like normal life. I got a bit too much sun today (foolishly not putting on any sunblock of course..., plus I didn't factor in the swimming time in addition to the laying out time, so my arms/chest are so awful!) so I'm hoping I just turn to tan instead of peeling.



I went on this motorcycle ride and hiked up this mountain to get to this view. I can't say it was my first motorcycle ride, because I'm pretty sure that I've ridden on a bike when I was little and got burned by the tailpipe by putting my leg in the wrong spot. But my first "real"(?) ride. It was fun, and just through the city - so not like speed racing downhill on a Ducati or anything, but nice, despite the rain. It's definitely a nice way to "see the city" although probably more so if I was the driver and not the passenger. The hike was fun, a little (a lot) dark, but I got to see some fireflies and there weren't too many crawling things. Apparently there's a different place that has an even better view, but you have to go through this graveyard to get there? And just when I was going to face my fears to do it, the rain spoiled this little excursion of mine (it's a sign!). Regardless, I love views, and it kind of reminded me of Runyon Canyon, except you can't do Runyon @ night (is there any LA views you can get to at night? Shouldn't I know this?)

My sister has a food blog and while taking me around town has been re-visiting some places and collecting info for posts. I love her little organization skills and her notebook for cataloging everything, and i hope I'm not giving away too many of her secrets, but her book is kind of awesome. Plus you know, I don't mind being a guinea pig for all the stuff she wants to try. I'm still really curious about the Mexican food in Danshui! Hopefully I'll get to go on the weekends, and I also have to remind myself to have a Mos Burger before I go. Food I have had while I've been here includes: italian, pig intestine noodles, shaved ice, fresh made ice creams, yummy dumplings (both fried and not), mochi desserts, sausages off carts , burgers, corn dogs (not very good, don't get corn dogs in Taiwan), tofu/noodles/rice cakes off carts, paninis, korean food, chicken soup, green bean wraps and brunch. it runs the gamut of good to not so great and western food here doesn't really compare to california food at home, so i'm less inclined to eat american food here - but nothing has been super terrible. I haven't been to my favorite soup buns and beef noodle soup place yet, so I'm hoping for some of that soon. And Saturday we have a lunch at Din Tai Fong. There's a branch in Arcadia and apparently Chinese people of all sorts flock to it and exclaim how good it is, but I think is kind of overrated (you know me and hype), but maybe my mind will change come Saturday.

And finally, two of the cutest kids ever.

The few days that I've been here in Taiwan, I think that I've learned that I can't live alone. I'm staying in a place with a friend of my sister's, and while he's really cool, I don't know him that well and he's not home a lot. So we don't have that rapport where I can call/text him and be like "What it do? Where you at? When you be home?" and know exactly what's going on, BUT I WANT TO. The necessary social person in me, is like "when is he coming home? I need another person to relate to" It's just one of those things where I am not all that comfortable by super silences and like to have shared experiences with a person. I was home by myself for a few hours and got a tad bit freaked out and maybe it's a mental thing. Knowing that I'm truly "alone" makes me anxious for someone else, as where when I'm "alone" at home where I know it's fleeting, I embrace the few hours that I have. And this test isn't totally without faults. I don't have my own job (or lack thereof!), friends, tv with dvr/video games/movies to occupy me so that my time by myself isn't away from those people, but rather just time all by my lonesome, not knowing when it's going to end (until my sister calls me the next day.) And then I start to wonder how I would survive in a different city/state where I truly don't know anyone, and it's not like a "oh I'll be home in a month where my 'real' friends are, so it's okay" kind of situation. I'd probably make friends like I'm hopefully going to inevitably do now. (hopefully people at a new job would be friends with me right?) I'd hopefully get my bearings straight and know how to make my way home coming back from the MRT station and not walk down the block until I realize that I'm going the wrong way. And the language barrier wouldn't be such an issue, thus making me feel a little less alone. But here, I hope for the most part that my accent and Chinese gets a little better from being around the native speakers and having it be a little less retarded foreign. haha. My sister is already laughing at me when I'm "practicing" what to say to the taxi drivers in order to get to destinations safely. It's okay.. I probably deserve it. If my mom keeps making fun of me because I can't differentiate four and ten (in Chinese), and I've never fixed it, I might deserve all the accentuation making fun of I've gotten by now. It's my Achilles heel.

Today was my nephew's first birthday party with all his friends! (followed by family dinner on his actual first birthday, Tuesday.) It was a pretty good time with stories, music, singing and stories, with a Chinese ritual thrown in and Mumuhug decorations, characters and cake! ooh! This is probably the "main" reason I came back, to celebrate his bday, but also to just hang with the fam. But I'm glad I could be here for this... it was fun. Then I went shopping with my cousin, ate some oyster noodle soup, ate some italian, and then played with the nephews some. Along with being addicted to the Flight Controller app/game on my sister's iphone. It's kind of terrible. The competition side of me wants so badly to be good enough to even come near her high score! I'm only about 50%.

~~~~~~~~

I wrote this a few days ago, but couldn't post it because my internet connection dropped out. I went home last night and it was really nice being by myself because I knew the "roomie" wouldn't be home for awhile. I was super exhausted (delayed on set jet lag) and it was nice to just chill, play flight control and chillax until it was time for bed and not need to talk to anyone. So I guess I'm back at square one on the "do I like being alone" thing.

My new high score on FC is 102... that's 3 off of my sister's score... that's gonna require some more practice.

Dinner for B's actual birthday tonight! And I'm hoping for some tomfoolery going on this week.

Taiwan: Day 1. I look kind of narcissistic and vain posting these, well.. if you don't know me. But for those of you that have seen me recently, I cut my hair. I wouldn't say chopped because it's not super short, but my hair was getting pretty long and the biggest real difference is that I have straight across bangs. I've been toying with the idea of these for awhile, but I didn't want to look like a china doll, or like I was in the 2nd grade again. But my sister's stylist is pretty awesome and cut my hair pretty well, even though I was a little frightened by the length as first. But I'm pretty okay with it. Hopefully when I wash and style myself I'll still be okay with the results.

Today was my first full day, and just spent the day with the sis and the fam doing various things, eating at some just okay places and another really yummy place, trying to get acclimated with streets and directions so I can attempt to get to and fro all by my lonesome (I know.... stop laughing... wish me luck!) and getting the hair wash and cut. I really enjoy getting my hair washed in Taiwan, it just always so much more comforting for some reason. I feel like since it's my first Saturday night, I should be out or something, but I'll save up for another weekend or so. I don't need to show up hungover to another birthday party.. :P Speaking of... Tomorrow is B's big one year bday party! Hopefully the mounds of screaming kids doesn't drive me too insane, but I think it'll be fun. I'm excited!

do you think this is enough clothing for taiwan? okay.. actually i jest. and in this picture, it doesn't even look that bad. there are many layers of clothing that you cannot see in this picture. i basically went through my whole closet and pulled out anything i may want to wear. so really, i should just chuck everything that's left in the closet... but not really. i mean.. some clothes just aren't "right" for taiwan, or the weather right now. so it's not fair to say that i should totally chuck everything. but my closet does need a good deep cleaning. maybe that will happen when i get back. it'd be a good time to go through and purge i think.

either or, i'm going to go visit my sister for a bit and i'm pretty dang excited to do so. this is the first trip i've taken to taiwan without a parental figure being there, so not that i think it'll be that much different, but it kind of is... a little. my mom is probably freaking out a little bit about it, saying i should call up all the cousins and have them hang out with me. "what mom? you don't want me just walking down to the local bar and meeting some new folks?" haha.. not that i would.. but it's just so funny how my mom comes up with these suggestions... like how i should call up relatives that i never ever talk to and say "hey! i'm here! let's hang!" she doesn't get how it's awkward i guess. like i tried to tell my boy cousin who's living in our house now that we should go out for his birthday, get dessert or something. at first he said yes, went downstairs and got a cup of milk and then a few minutes later said he had to study. maybe i bombarded him with too many questions like "what is your favorite dessert?" or "do you like cake or ice cream better" - but he just did not want to hang out with me or be taken out for his birthday. i mean, sometimes i feel bad because he's here without any "real" family, and that's probably tough... but if he wasn't so effing difficult, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. and he's not completely retarded, he has friends, and maybe even a girlfriend... so i don't get it! oh well.

i'm excited to hang with my sis and the nephews. i'm excited to try all the "new" places to eat, maybe i'll get to try taiwan's version of mexican food this time. i'm excited to experience a little bit of "normal life in taiwan" not just the truncated 2 week version whirlwind of it. i'm excited to see my relatives. i'm excited for the night markets! i'm excited to eat food off a cart where i don't have to wait 3hrs for a freaking taco, or run down the street while the besthotdogintheworld lady is running down the street. way back in 2005 i wrote down "things i want to do in Taiwan" and i think i've actually done all those things... except for that last thing which i still can't remember. and i did a fairly decent job of blogging - so many i can this time.

life is pretty much status quo though... here are the things i'll be sad to miss out on while i'm gone: keane concert, being darrell's +1 to a wedding, wii mario kart races with luke skywalker's son, ikea runs with andrea to outfit her new apartment, disneynature's earth, grilled cheese invitational, a few birthdays, the dry heat (i am so not looking forward to all the humidity!), and really all the fun and havoc caused on a regular basis. but i am excited to just... chill. and BUY LOTS OF CUTE STUFF. (whoa... excited.)

i should probably get to bed now.. for at least a little powernap before some last day errands. here is are a few last stories that i was going to blog about but never did, so short short updates:

*tuesday was free cone day @ ben and jerry's and i tried one sweet whirled. you MUST try it, it's like heaven in your mouth.

*i basically WRECKED my feet walking in heels in hollywood. after leaving a bar on sunset, we walked all the way up to hollywood blvd to get bacon wrapped hot dogs and then back down past sunset to get back to the house. i really really really could not walk, but in better judgment than the debacle where i took off my shoes on the wooden santa monica pier (who does that?!), i was convincingly not allowed to take my shoes off on the icky hollywood streets, which was probably a good idea since i had OPEN WOUNDS on the bottom of them. this i didn't discover until the next morning. i had trouble walking all day, it was a pitiful sight. i've made a surprisingly quick recovery, i guess feet skin grows pretty fast. i thought i'd be hobbling around taiwan for at least the first few days.

*attempted to have lunch with nicole & ashley @ open sesame grill in manhattan beach. that place is FANTASTIC. highly recommend it. but we didn't get to eat it that day because right after we put the order in, the power blew out. we didn't notice it, because we were sitting outside on another very lovely 90 degree day, but soon we hear massive sirens and lots of backed up traffic and heard that the whole plaza was out, and then some. my first thought was to loot the ice cream store, but we filled up on pita and hummus and got our drinks comped and promised to come back. (side note: ashley brought me open sesame for dinner tonight and it was so freaking good, i'm glad to have had the fix before i left) seriously... go now.

*oh! and go see EARTH in theatres btwn apr 22-28 and Disney will plant a tree for every ticket sold! buy a ticket for me too :)